It was no great unknown fact that the majority of people around him thought he was a freak.
This was a fact that hurt him a lot more than he'd ever dare let on.
As he ate and watched the others socialise he could only wonder where he'd gone wrong and why he no longer fit in with that crowd...
Even his own best friend had eventually given up.
He watched the brunette eat lunch with their old friends and felt envious...
He couldn't figure out why he felt the way he did or what compelled him to do the things he did...
One of the goth kids he'd got talking to once told him it's a form of addiction...
He didn't understand it then...
He sure as hell did now...
Pushing the barely touched lunch away from him he picked up his messenger bag and left the canteen...
Checking there was no one following him he went into the bathroom.
No one followed him anymore he was sure today would be no different...
But he always checked...
Just in case...
After all the secret was what made his habit so deliciously forbidden, effective and addcitive...
He looked around the bathroom and under the stalls to make sure no one else was around to catch him in the act.
Before he closed the bathroom stall he caught a glimpse of his reflection in the mirror and slammed the stall door closed on it.
/You're looking like shit these days Roxas.../
Shaking the voice away he searched his backpack for the small paper package...
He pulled books and paper and pens from the messenger bag in a frenzy to find it...
Finally at the end of his bag there it was...
His fingers gripped it carefully, while his other hand worked to get the sellotape off...
Impatience made him anxious and he ripped it off with his teeth...
Glistening in the dull light he held it for a moment as if reconsidering his actions, or admiring the beauty of the moment...
He could almost feel it already...
The adrenaline, the slight rush...
The release...
Pulling up his sleeve and holding it with his teeth he brought the shiny silver blade down on his pale white skin...
There were loads of these silvery scarred marks on his arms criss crossed with newer angrier red ones...
Hundreds maybe...
Each one with its own time and reason.
Blood rose to the surface as he pulled the razorblade across his skin...
He closed his eyes against the world and the pain he was causing himself, for these few moments he could just forget all of it...
Be himself and indulge in his addictive harmful habit...
He was looking for no ones sympathy or attention...
Merely a release that would keep him from going off the rails until the end of the school day...
His old friends, they didn't understand that...
No one seemed to quite get it...
Except that one goth kid who'd left over 2 years ago...
He'd heard she'd killed herself ballsy bitch...
Suicide...
The thought crossed his mind in an instant and lingered on the outskirts of his mind as an antidote to all his problems...
He pressed some tissue paper to his arm breathing in sharply against the sting of it.
Moaning quietly as the pain shot through him he felt better momentarily before the world dropped back into place around him.
He took a deep breath and stood up throwing the tissue into the toilet he flushed it and left the bethroom stall to wash the blood off his hand...
When someone startled moved by the window.
"Jesus... I thought you were a teacher..."
Roxas looked up at the person smoking out the window like a deer in headlights.
/Shit I've been caught.../
The person flicked the cigarette out of the window and took another look at Roxas.
"You might want to put a band aid on that dude..."
Roxas stared at the tall figure as it moved closer to him and past him...
He walked out of the door without even looking back at him...
Roxas stared out after him bewildered...
/Who was that...?/
Quickly he washed the blood from himself and pulled his sleeves down, making his way out of the toilets he watched as the tall figure made its way down the corridor.
Hair the colour of blood stood atop his head in defiant spikes...
Roxas wondered who he was...
Then the bell rang and the tall teens figure was quickly swallowed up by the crowd of rushing people...
Roxas sat doodling on his notebook through his next three classes.
/Who was that? And why didn't he freak out like everyone else has when they've caught me at it...?/
Blue eyes looked at him from across the room.
He pretended he didn't see him...
Sora still looked over at him sometimes with hope in his eyes...
Like he might witness some kind of miracle if he stared randomly enough times...
The fact remained that they simply didn't understand.
He tried to explain to them what was wrong with him, that it was an addiction and the only thing that made him feel able to cope...
But they didn't get it...
How could he expect them to, when he didn't even fully understand it himself?
After about a minute of Roxas pretending to not see him Sora turned his gaze back to his notebook and started taking down notes about what the teacher was saying.
Roxas sighed to himself.
/Who the hell was that guy? And put a band aid on it... Cheeky bastard.../
When he snapped back to reality students were leaving the classroom...
So he gathered his books together and threw them into his messenger bag not really paying attention to what he was doing and dropped one of them on the floor.
A hand reached down at the same time his did and picked it up...
When he looked up his eyes met with a similar shade of blue.
/Sora.../
"Here..."
Roxas took the book and pushed it into his messenger bag.
"Thanks..."
The brunette simply nodded smiled awkwardly and walked away.
Roxas looked after him wanting to say something...
But he could think of nothing to say to him that would benefit either of them so instead he just watched him.
/Damn it.../
His words stuck in his throat as he watched him go...
He wanted to be better...
He wanted things to be the way they used to be...
But he stood completely still as Sora faded away into the steady stream of students that flooded the halls and let his eyes slip to the floor.
After what seemed like eons he was finally heading towards his locker to lighten his load...
/Finally, I'm finished with this shit hole for the day.../
"Watch it! Oh... Hey I know you..."
Green eyes looked down at the shorter blonde he'd knocked down, he grabbed Roxas forearm and helped him back up.
"You're that emo kid... From the bathroom the other day..."
Roxas rolled his eyes.
"Yeah and you're that dude who sparks up and uses it as an excuse to spy on people in the bathroom when he thinks no ones looking..."
"Fair enough..."
Axel pushed Roxas back on his ass.
"What the fuck is wrong with you?"
"Well if you're gonna be rude about my habits..."
"You started it fire crotch..."
Axel's lips lifted into a grin at one side.
"Now unless you were spying on ME in the bathroom... How on earth would you know that?"
Roxas face reddened up.
"You're a fucking asshole! You know that?"
Axel answered in the most sarcastic and dull voice he could muster.
"No... Thats a new one... No ones ever called me that before..."
"Go fuck yourself..."
Roxas paused realising he didn't know his name.
"Axel..."
"Go fuck yourself Axel!"
Roxas was up off the floor now and walking away.
"So aren't you gonna tell me your name?"
"Fuck you!"
The red head was full on grinning after the blonde now.
"Only in your wildest dreams!"
"Your mom's in my wildest dreams!"
"You sure it's my mom and not my dad?"
"What? Oh just piss off!"
Axel continued to grin to himself as he watched the blonde walk away.
/Gutsy little bastard!/
/Fucking prick... Who the fuck does he think he is?/
He opened his locker and throwing his books in slammed it shut.
/Who the fuck does he think he is talking to me like that?/
Stomping towards the door he swung it open...
/Total bastard.../
"Roxas!"
The blonde turned at the sound of his name.
"Huh?"
"Roxas!"
Axel was calling him from behind the doors he'd just swung open grinning at him.
The blonde flipped him off and kept walking.
Axel rolled his eyes and lazily swinging the door open easily caught up with the blonde who was clearly trying to storm off.
"You know flipping people off is rude?"
"Yes I am aware of that, did you also know it's the international sign for 'go away nasty twat bag?'"
The redhead raised an eyebrow.
"Twat bag you say? Never heard that word before... You'd think if it was internationally recognised I would have..."
Roxas narrowed his eyes and pursed his lips...
He could feel his body tensing up...
Then exhaling slowly and feeling outwitted and defeated he let his shoulders slump and his face loosened up again.
"Look... Why are you following me?"
Axel shrugged cocking his head to the side in thought.
"Then can you leave me be?"
The redhead stopped walking and watched the blonde pull the hood of his hoody up and walk away.
He knew nothing about him other than that he went to the same school as him, he could give snappy come backs and that he was a self harmer...
What worried him was that he could physically feel the sadness that surrounded him...
Part of him wanted to turn away and just forget about the weird little blonde kid and what he'd caught him doing...
Part of him wanted to mean the 'band aid' comment he'd shot at him...
The other part of him wanted to help him...
Why?
He had no idea...
But as he watched him move slowly alone down the street something shifted inside him...
Something he knew silly jokes and comments couldn't solve...
/But why should I care about what he does? He's just... Another person... Another person who I don't even know.../
Axel stared after him and caught his gaze as he looked back...
Two things were obvious...
Roxas needed help that he definitely wasn't getting...
And...
There was more to this situation than met the eye...
Roxas walked away briefly looking back at Axel and then speeding up.
/Why was he talking to me...? He made me feel stupid and then suddenly he's concerned.../
His thoughts whizzed through his head in confusion he absently wiped a tear away from his face, it had been so long since someone had just been able to talk to him like that...
/Am I lonely...?/
He shifted his messenger bag awkwardly on his shoulder...
/I don't need anyone... I am okay alone.../
Axel sat in his car for a few moments before starting the ignition.
/It's not my responsibility.../
With that he turned the key in the ignition and drove towards his house.
Roxas sighed as he arrived home and put his key in the door...
He wiped tears away from his eyes and forced a smile onto his face.
"Hey Roxas."
"Hi mom."
"How was school today?"
"Great!"
"How's Sora doing?"
The blonde felt a tug in his chest remembering Sora picking up his book for him earlier.
"He's good..."
His mother smiled kindly at him.
"Are him and Kairi still together?"
Roxas nodded.
"Yup... Uhm... I'm gonna go take a shower..."
His mother nodded her long blonde hair falling forward over her shoulders.
"I'll call you when dinner's ready okay? I'm doing your favourite, pepperoni pizza."
"Thanks mom... I won't be long..."
As soon as his face was out of sight of his mother it fell...
He hated lying to her...
But she had so much of her own stuff going on right now with his dad...
It seemed wrong to burden her with his problems when he could relieve them so easily himself...
Roxas walked to his bedroom door and opened it he stared inside and sighing walked in and closed the door after him...
Slowly he pulled his hoody off and then carefully removed his long sleeved t shirt...
His forearms from wrist to the crook of his elbow were a home and witness to his self mutilation...
He hated it, that he did this to himself disgusted him and made him feel ashamed...
The fact that he needed it seemed like something he could never physically tell anyone...
Sure people knew...
Or they at the very least had an idea...
But to say the words would be admitting it...
And the thought of that scared the hell out of him...
He pulled his trainers and socks off and undid the belt of his jeans and let them fall to the floor...
Stepping out of them he made his way to the bathroom attached to his room and got into the shower.
A warm blast of water washed over his hair and face...
/I wish someone understood.../
He closed his eyes and sighed leaning his hands against the tiled wall, letting the water ease him of the stresses of the day...
His thoughts suddenly thought of what had happened with Sora and then with Axel...
/Weird day.../
He carefully washed the new cuts on his forearms wincing at the slight sting of water on newly open wounds.
/I'll cover them up let them heal and no one will ever need to know.../
Turning off the water he stepped out of the shower and wrapped a towel around his waist.
He knew he was safe in here...
Maybe his mother sensed something she just didn't want to know was lurking around somewhere in his room, but for whatever reason she never came up when he was at home...
When he wasn't home she made his bed and hoovered...
Anything he didn't want found was well hidden so this didn't worry him...
And if his blades were found...
He would pass it off as needing them art class.
They were after all a set of sharp artists blades...
No one would question him...
He was top of his class in art and found drawing and creating an easy thing to do...
Fake 'pretty' and 'normal' work adorned the walls of his house in frames...
Flowers, birds, trees, portraits of happy smiling people...
His real work however remained in school or hidden in notebooks...
Dark twisted scenes...
Dismembered bodies, beautiful angels whos wings were burning as they fell screaming and crying as though ripped from heaven and banished to earth their faces contorted into expressions of absolute torture, endless eyes of different colours with tears falling from them, or filled with hatred and anger...
And one particular recurring drawing of a boy with his knees drawn to his chest in a black hoody and his face in his hands as though he couldn't take it anymore...
This was the drawing Axel caught Roxas drawing in the canteen the next day while passing by his table at lunch time.
The redhead stopped for a moment quietly looking at the concentrating blonde draw...
It was like the whole world just melted away around him and it was just him and his idea coming to life on his sketch pad.
His head turned suddenly facing Axel...
For a moment Roxas looked scared like he'd been caught doing something he shouldn't be, but in that same moment his gaze became guarded again as he regarded Axel with an awkward but steady look.
He closed his notepad and threw it into his messenger bag standing up as Axel sat down.
"Hey... Aren't you gonna eat anything? Lunch has barely started..."
Roxas shrugged looking at his hands which were self consciously tugging at the end of his sleeves.
"I'm not really hungry..."
The redhead looked him in the eye.
"Hey if you don't want me to sit here I'll move. I don't mind, just thought you could use some company."
The blonde nodded but still moved away from the seat he was sitting on and pushed it back under the table.
"I just find it hard to concentrate on drawing when there's other people around..."
Axel looked around.
"But the canteens crowded..."
Roxas nodded.
"I know... It's hard to explain..."
He went to move away from the table.
"Roxas..."
The blonde looked over his shoulder at Axel.
There was something in his gaze that made him feel uneasy...
Maybe Axel knew what he was really going off to do?
He looked back at the redhead once again as he walked out through the canteen doors, the redheads gaze was still on him...
The doors swung closed behind him and he made his way down the hallway to the toilet...
Locking himself into the familiar cubicle he looked for his little silver blade tucked away into the depths of his bag wrapped in sellotape.
Feeling it in his hand he pulled it out and tore the tape off quickly...
He sat down on the toilet seat.
Holding the left sleeve of his long sleeved t shirt in his teeth he held his pale inner arm up and slowly brought the blade down across his skin...
He could feel his heart beat speeding up as the pain dulled his senses, a drop of blood made a slow trail across his arm and then dropped to the tiled floor...
Exhaling a breath he didn't know he was holding in he closed his eyes...
Behind them he saw Axel staring at him in the canteen that look that had made him feel so ill at ease...
He opened his eyes again and watched the drops of blood fall from the cut on his left arm to the floor...
Sighing a deep sigh he pulled some toilet paper from the roll and pressed it against his inner arm...
He wiped up his blood from the floor, threw the paper in the toilet, flushed it, then wrapped the blade in some paper and threw it into the bin.
Roxas unlatched the cubicle door and opened it slowly, though the crack of the opening door he saw a shock of blood red spikes by the window.
/Damn it.../
He stood in the cubicle for a moment wondering how to handle this situation.
/Think think think!/
Pulling down his left sleeve he pulled the door open slowly and walked to the row of sinks...
Axel didn't even look over he just kept gazing out of the window smoking his cigarette.
Roxas washed his hands staring at them under the cold running water...
As he dried them he looked up at the back of Axel's head...
He continued to smoke his cigarette out the window seemingly oblivious to Roxas' presence.
The blonde picked his messenger bag up off the floor and walked out of the toilet.
Axel looked towards the door as he left...
/It's not your problem... You're not responsible for him... You don't even know him.../
He flicked the cigarette out of the window.
/Then why do I feel so afraid for him...?/
He made his way to the door of the toilet and walked out only to see Roxas half way up the hallway turning back around to face him.
Axel caught his gaze and started to walk towards Roxas...
Before the blonde teen could move or walk away Axel was beside him and pulled him into a hug.
Roxas was wide eyed as Axel held him against his chest.
He could hear Axel's heart beating and then he said something that no one had ever said to Roxas before.
"It's okay... I understand..."
With that he let him go and walked down the empty corridor leaving Roxas stuck for words and staring at him as he turned down another corridor out of sight.
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